From one that was left behind

Suicide is never the answer.  It is the most selfish thing to do. It leaves so much pain and anguish behind, more than you could ever imagine.

Today I had to tell my kids that you were gone.  I couldn't tell them that you chose to leave, the words just wouldn't come.  I watched as the safe little world I surrounded them in burst into a million painful shards.  You were a person my kids loved.  I pitifully explained that our time with everyone is a gift that needs to be treasured. Even though you didn't treasure your own life enough to stay.

My sister fell in love with you after many years in a a relationship I worried would kill any hope in her heart for love.  Looking back I remember listening as you both talked about a forever together.

Today I held her as she screamed out her loss and anguish.  I listened as she blamed herself for your self-seeking choice.  In that moment I hated you with every part of my being.  You left us behind to pick up the pieces of her that you had shattered.  This gentle soul that does not like to see conflict or pain, who roots for the little guy and always finds a reason to like someone.  You didn't even protect her from your final selfish choice and left her to discover what you had done.  Left her to be the one to make those painful calls to your family, because you chose not to be strong enough to cry out for help.

You promised her a future that held great promise.  Today she ends it with no home to go to because your family would not let her stay in the home you both shared.   No love to cradle her in their arms and tell her that the world will be ok again.  A future uncertain and a heart in anguish.   You promised me you wouldn't hurt her and yet you destroyed her whole world today.  You were her whole world, because of that I had let you into mine.  I say FUCK YOU! For all those left behind to pick up and keep moving on.

I stand today guilty of having those thoughts myself in the past.  After seeing the aftermath of suicide I am angry at myself for having even considered it as an option.  Thankfully I got the help I needed from my support system. I leaned too close over that cliff of despair and they pulled me back away from the edge.

Suicide is never the answer.  If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, please get help.  Do not brush off comments by co-workers no matter how flippant they may seem.  You could be the one person that heard the warning.

 There are many ways to get help.  http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/